Introduction
Hi, I’m Nicola from the People Mentor, and in today’s podcast, I want to talk about how to manage your emotions and stay calm when you’re having difficult conversations.
We’re all familiar with difficult conversations. Think back to those times when you’ve had to deliver bad news, give negative feedback, or maybe ask your manager why you were passed over for a promotion.
Can you remember how you felt?
It can be hard to stay calm and focus on getting a positive outcome when emotions are high.
So I want to share some strategies that will help you stay calm, full of empathy, and, focused on constructive solutions.
I want to start by saying that it’s completely normal to be emotional during a difficult conversation.
When we anticipate that a conversation will be difficult, our emotions are triggered, and so is the fight-or-flight response.
Even the thought of having to have the conversation will trigger anxiety in a lot of people, especially if you see yourself as a kind and compassionate person who hates the thought of upsetting anyone.
Think back to a difficult conversation you’ve had.
Was your heart racing?
Was your stomach in knots?
This is the fight or flight response in action. This can make you fight by raising your voice and getting confrontational. Or flight, where you might cry and leave the room. Fight or flight is a primal reaction to any threat.
The problem is your brain doesn’t know the difference between a difficult conversation and running away from a tiger.
The physical and emotional response is the same.
While this is an inbuilt protective mechanism and is helpful in some circumstances, it’s not useful when you need to have a constructive conversation.
This is because it effectively shuts off the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that governs rational thinking and decision-making. The result is that you don’t think clearly, and you start feeling stressed, which can rub off on the other person. Before you know it, the conversation can escalate into conflict.
However, this is not inevitable.
Strategies
There are some strategies you can use to hack that emotional response so you can stay calm and focus on achieving a good outcome for yourself and the other person.
The first strategy is preparation.
Think about what you want to achieve from the conversation and try to anticipate possible outcomes so you’re less likely to be caught off guard.
Write down some key points you need to mention so that if things start going wrong or you feel flustered, you’ll stay on track.
Make sure you don’t mentally rehearse a speech, though, because the conversation needs to be authentic, and you can never really know how someone else is going to react.
Another thing that can help is thinking about the challenges you have overcome before and the difficult conversations you have had that have gone better than expected.
How did you behave, feel and sound?
Try to imagine yourself as calm and collected as you enter this conversation. Now, it’s time to get out of your head and do something to help you feel grounded before having the conversation.
The simplest thing you can do is breathe.
When you are tense, you tend to take rapid, shallow breaths, so take a few deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
This can create a relaxation response in your body. If you’re sitting behind a desk, take a moment to help your body feel grounded. Notice how your back feels supported against your chair and the floor beneath your feet.
Wiggle your toes and really concentrate on the sensations. These simple strategies can help reduce any tension or anxiety before you start the conversation.
When it comes to having the conversation itself, remind yourself that you’re not trying to win.
Approach the conversation as a collaboration, an opportunity to solve problems and achieve the best outcome for both of you. Throughout this conversation, make sure you listen. Ask open-ended questions to gather information, and give yourself and the other person room to pause, breathe, and respond.
It’s really important to be aware of your own emotional state as well as the other person’s.
If either of you are anxious, angry, or agitated, this can really impact on how well or not you communicate with each other.
Pay attention to what has been said, not how it’s been delivered, and try not to get defensive or take things personally. You may just need to let the other person vent.
I know it’s hard not to shout back or act as if you don’t care about what they are telling you, but meeting fire with fire won’t help.
Not many of us can skillfully articulate exactly what we want to say in the heat of the moment.
When things are tense, this is the perfect time to tap into your emotional intelligence. Notice a person’s body language and tone of voice.
Practise active listening to ensure you understand what is being said and gain a perspective on their point of view.
Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can pave the way for a better outcome.
Remember that even if you and someone else have different perspectives on an issue, it doesn’t mean that either of you are wrong.
Managing your emotions during difficult conversations can be challenging
Now, these strategies can definitely help you, but there is no blueprint for mastering difficult conversations.
As their name suggests, they are difficult by nature and unpredictable.
So, what should you do if you feel the conversation is taking a wrong turn?
I suggest taking a step back and taking a break.
In my opinion, this is an underrated strategy for dealing with tense situations.
Don’t storm out. Instead, make an excuse to leave the room for a few moments, grab a cup of coffee or some water, and ask the other person if you can get them anything.
This will allow you to hit the pause button, calm down, and hopefully get to a point where you can make decisions, communicate better, and act on logic rather than emotions.
If you’re still struggling to calm down while you’re getting the drink, take about 30 seconds to a minute and concentrate solely on your breathing.
It’s amazing how quickly that will bring you down. Another technique is to rub your fingers together while you’re concentrating on them. What do the sensations feel like? Again, do that for 30 seconds to a minute, and that will bring you back so that you can calm your emotions.
If the conversation can’t be salvaged, suggest that you pick it up again another time and when you’ve both had some time to process things and calm down.
Managing your emotions during difficult conversations can be challenging, but learning to do so, is an important skill that will help you build and maintain good relationships with others in the workplace.
We’re coming to the end of this episode of the podcast, so I wanted to let you know about where you can get some further help with having difficult conversations.
My mastering emotional conversations online course is packed with essential knowledge and strategies for handling tough conversations better, understanding your emotions, and improving your emotional intelligence.
Whether you’re an experienced or accidental manager, if the thought of having hard conversations brings you out in a cold sweat or makes you want to avoid them altogether, then this is for you.
It’s also for you if you tend to burst into tears or feel angry or frustrated, you’ll get actionable strategies to use and insights that will help you turn conflict into harmony and collaboration. Improve your communication skills, your emotional intelligence for better conversations, and up level your leadership.
You can find more information and sign up for the online course at www. thepeoplementor.co.uk.
And the bonus is it’s only £27 for the online course.
That’s all for this episode. I hope it gives you some helpful tips on how to approach difficult conversations more calmly and confidentially.
See you next time.
Thank you for listening.
This is The People Mentor signing off for today.
