You know that feeling when your phone buzzes and you see it’s that team member who always wants “just a quick chat”? And your first thought is “Oh god, what now?”
Or when someone knocks on your office door and asks if you’ve got “five minutes” – knowing full well it’s never actually five minutes?
I was having coffee with a manager last week who told me she’d started hiding in the staff toilet just to get five minutes of peace. She was laughing about it, but I could see how exhausted she was.
This is what happens when you can’t say no. You end up hiding in toilets.
And here’s the thing – all those quick chats and five minute requests? They’re stealing your energy from the conversations that actually matter. The performance issue you’ve been putting off. The team conflict that’s poisoning everyone’s mood. The difficult decisions you know you need to make.
Today, I want to talk about boundaries. But not the fluffy, self-care kind. I want to talk about the practical, workplace kind that actually give you back the headspace to lead.
I need you to think about the last time you said yes when absolutely every fibre of your being wanted to say no.
Maybe it was agreeing to cover that meeting when you were already drowning in work. Perhaps it was taking on someone’s quick favour that turned into three hours of your evening, or was it was saying of course! when someone asked if you could “just have a look at this” – again.
Those tiny yes’s feel easier in the moment, but they’re like having a leak in your roof – seems manageable until suddenly your whole ceiling caves in.
And after years of managing teams and helping other managers, I’ve learned this: if you can’t say no to the small stuff, you’ll never have energy for the big stuff that actually matters.
Why Boundaries Feel Awful
We’ve been conditioned to think that being helpful equals being good. That saying yes proves you’re committed. That being flexible makes you valuable.
And if you’re a woman in management? There’s this unspoken rule that you must be nice. Don’t be difficult. Don’t rock the boat. Keep everyone happy.
But constant niceness doesn’t create respect. It creates exhaustion. For you, and for your team too.
When you have no boundaries, people don’t know where they stand with you. They keep pushing because they don’t know where the edge is.
Boundaries aren’t rejection. They’re clarity. Every time you say yes to something that doesn’t matter, you’re saying no to something that does.
Something to think about: Where are you saying yes just to avoid feeling guilty? And what’s that costing you – not just in time, but in energy and focus?
Being Liked vs Being Respected
There’s a massive difference between being liked and being respected, and I wish someone had explained this to me earlier in my career.
When people only like you, they keep asking for more. They see you as the person who’ll always say yes, who’ll always absorb their problems.
But when people respect you, they trust your no just as much as your yes. They plan better because they know you mean what you say.
I spent quite a few years trying to be the manager everyone liked – the one who never said no, who always made exceptions. And I am sure you can imagine what happened? I was exhausted, my team was confused about priorities, and the people who really needed my attention weren’t getting it.
Boundaries create respect. They say: “This is what I can do well. This is what I can’t.” And that clarity? It makes everyone feel safer, not just you.
Something to think about: Are you more focused on being liked or being respected right now? And what’s that choice costing you?
Your Inner Critic vs Your Wiser Self
When you try to set a boundary – and I mean really try – that little voice in your head starts up, doesn’t it?
“They’ll think you’re selfish. You’ll let them down. You’ll look difficult. What if they think you don’t care?”
But there’s another voice there too, quieter maybe, but wiser. It’s saying: “Boundaries help me lead with steadiness and they protect my energy so I can give my best. Boundaries make my yes actually mean something.”
The trick is learning to distinguish between these voices. Your inner critic is usually panicking about what might happen. Your wiser self is thinking about what you need to be effective.
When that guilt rises – and it will – pause. Just pause. Ask yourself: is this my inner voice critic speaking, or my wiser self?
That pause is often all you need to choose differently.
Something to think about: Think about the last time your inner critic completely drowned out your wiser voice. What would that wiser part of you have said instead?
Boundaries Are Leadership
Boundaries aren’t just a personal thing you need to sort out. They’re actually a core leadership skill.
When you have clear boundaries, you can focus your energy on what matters most. Your team sees you working on the right things, not just reacting to whoever shouts loudest.
Boundaries build trust because people know where they stand with you. There’s no guessing, no mixed messages.
They also prevent the kind of resentment that destroys teams. You know like when someone keeps saying yes to everyone and you can see the team getting more and more frustrated. That tension poisons everything.
And boundaries help with accountability. When you model clear standards for yourself, it gives your team permission to have standards too.
When you have no boundaries, it actually makes your team’s job harder. They don’t know what your real priorities are, so they can’t make good decisions about what to bring to you and what to handle themselves.
When you think about boundaries this way, they stop feeling selfish. They become part of how you lead well.
Something to think about: Which area of your leadership would improve most if you held stronger boundaries?
Start Small, Build Confidence
You don’t need to start with the biggest, scariest no. Actually, trying to do that often backfires completely.
Start small. Protect your lunch break – take it. End your workday on time. When someone asks for something, try “Let me get back to you on that” instead of immediately absorbing their request.
Every time you hold one of these small boundaries, you’re proving to yourself: I can do this. And the person on the receiving end learns: she means what she says.
I remember the first time I said, “I’ll look at this tomorrow morning” instead of dropping everything. It felt terrifying. But the person just said “fine” and got on with something else. The world didn’t end.
Confidence builds step by step. Boundaries become easier the more you practise them.
Something to think about: What’s one small boundary you could practise this week? Something that feels manageable but still meaningful?
Scripts That Don’t Sound Harsh
Boundaries don’t have to sound cold or corporate. You can be clear and kind at the same time.
Try these:
- “I can’t take this on today, but I’ll look at it first thing tomorrow.”
- “I finish at six, but I’ll pick this up in the morning.”
- “I’m not the right person for this – have you tried asking [person]?”
- “I can’t commit to this right now. What’s your timeline?”
Each one is calm, respectful, and removes the guilt. Because boundaries can sound like care – they are care, for yourself and actually for the other person too.
Something to think about: What’s one phrase you could use that feels both clear and kind?
Different People, Different Approaches
Not everyone receives boundaries the same way, and understanding this can make your life so much easier.
If you’re dealing with someone who’s very direct and results-focused, keep your boundary brief and firm. Don’t over-explain – they’ll respect the clarity.
If it’s someone who’s naturally enthusiastic and people-focused, they might push for exceptions. Acknowledge their energy but hold your line.
Someone who values stability might be thrown by sudden boundaries. Explain your reasoning gently but stay consistent.
And if you’re working with someone who likes detail and precision, give them the why behind your boundary. They’ll appreciate understanding your logic.
I learned this when I had two team members react completely differently to the same boundary. When I told Mary, who’s very direct, ‘I can’t review this today,’ she just said ‘fine, tomorrow works.’ But when I said the exact same thing to Mark, who likes more context, he looked confused and somewhat hurt. So I learned to say, ‘I can’t review this today because I’m focused on the budget deadline, but I’ll give it proper attention tomorrow morning.’ Same boundary, different delivery.
The more you can match your delivery to how the person naturally thinks, the less resistance you’ll face.
Something to think about: Who in your world challenges your boundaries most? How could you adjust your approach with them?
The Three Question Check-In
Try this simple habit throughout your day. Pause and ask yourself:
- What am I doing right now?
- Why am I doing this?
- Where is this taking me?
If your answers are always about other people’s priorities and never about your own important work, that’s your signal. Your boundaries need attention.
This isn’t about being selfish – it’s about being strategic. You can’t lead effectively if you’re constantly in reactive mode.
One trick I use is putting ‘focus time’ in my calendar. It’s not for meetings, it’s for my actual work. When someone asks for something during that time, I can point to my calendar and say, ‘I’m in focus time until 3pm, but I can look at this after that.’
Something to think about: When you ask yourself these three questions, where is your time actually going?
Can you remember a time you said no? What did that give you beyond just time?
Notice Your Progress
I see this all the time with the managers I work with – they’re so focused on where they’re struggling that they completely miss the progress they’re already making.
If you’ve set even one healthy boundary this week – celebrate it. Write it down. Notice it.
It might feel tiny, but it matters. You’re rewiring years of conditioning here. That takes time.
I keep a little note on my phone of the times I’ve held a boundary well. When I’m having a wobble, I look at it. Reminds me that I’m actually getting better at this.
Something to think about: What are three times you’ve held a boundary this week, however small?
Questions to Sit With
- Where do you most often say yes when you really mean no?
- What’s one boundary that, if you set it, would reduce half your stress this month?
- How might your team actually benefit from seeing you model clearer boundaries?
- What’s one small win you can celebrate today that shows you’re moving forward?
Leading from Clarity
Boundaries aren’t about being harsh or uncaring. They’re about being clear. And clear leaders don’t get blown about by every request that comes their way. They hold steady, and that helps everyone else feel steadier too.
Most importantly, boundaries create space for the conversations that actually matter. The performance issues, the team conflicts, the difficult decisions – all the things that make the difference between a struggling team and a thriving one.
This is exactly the kind of work I do with managers – helping you go from feeling overwhelmed and avoiding conversations to becoming confident in handling any workplace situation that comes your way. Because when you stop saying yes to everything and start having the conversations that matter, everything changes.
