Handling the Tough Return to the Workplace Conversation

Hi, I’m Nicola from The People Mentor and welcome to another episode of my series. I was scrolling through a management forum last week when I came across something that made me stop in my tracks. A leader asked for advice on bringing just one person from their remote team back into the office.

Everyone else would continue working from home. And the reason it made sense on paper was that this team member had become detached, wasn’t responding quickly, and was entirely out of sync with everyone else. The leader generally thought that the person being in the office a couple of days a week would help rebuild that connection.

But you could already see the problem brewing.

Fairness.

Because the moment one person is treated differently, every conversation afterwards carries this hidden tension. People start wondering what’s really going on. They question your motives. And once fairness gets questioned? Trust doesn’t hang around for long.

I’ve seen this play out so many times in my work with leaders, and honestly, it never gets easier to watch.

And then here’s something to surprise you: according to the Chartered Management Institute, 80% of managers have had absolutely no formal training on how to handle difficult conversations. No. If you are feeling out of your depth in these discussions, you are not alone.

So if you’re feeling out of your depth with these discussions? You’re not alone. You’re actually in the majority.

Today, I want to talk about how to handle these return-to-workplace conversations when fairness is on the line, how to keep trust intact, and how to actually lead people through change rather than just managing them through it.

The Bit That Nobody Wants to Talk About-Handling the Tough Return Conversation

Right, so the leader in that forum post had good intentions. He was genuinely trying to strengthen his team. But the conversation landed all wrong.

Not because of what he said, but because of how it felt.

When it comes to returning to the workplace, feelings drive way more behaviour than logic ever will. I don’t care how reasonable your argument is – if it doesn’t land right emotionally, you’re fighting a losing battle.

I read a Reddit post recently where a manager said, “I’m torn. I love the energy of being together, but forcing someone back risks losing talent.”

Another one added: “It’s not about productivity anymore. It feels like control.”

Those short comments? They say absolutely everything about what you’re up against right now as a leader.

The second fairness comes into question; people don’t just resist the change. They question YOU. Your motives. Your integrity. Your leadership.

Because when a decision feels uneven, it rarely matters how logical it is. What matters is how it lands.

Why Fairness Feels So Fragile

Here’s the thing about fairness – it’s not about treating everyone exactly the same.

It’s about everyone feeling seen and considered. There’s a massive difference.

Fairness is also incredibly fragile, and emotion plays a huge part in how we perceive it.

We pick up on tone, micro-expressions, and body language faster than we process actual words. A tiny shift in your voice or a flicker across your face can completely change how someone hears you.

The science calls this emotional contagion – it’s the way emotions ripple out through a team, even when nobody says a word out loud.

If you’ve ever walked into a room and instantly felt the tension? That’s it in action.

So when you open a conversation about changing someone’s working pattern, your emotional energy sets the entire tone before you’ve even finished your first sentence.

If it’s coming from a place of frustration, they’ll feel defensive immediately.

If it’s coming from genuine curiosity and care, the exact same message lands completely differently.

This is why managing your own emotional state before you start these conversations is absolutely essential. Because if your emotional brain takes over – that instinctive, protective part of you that’s wired for threat – logic disappears out the window.

And if you’re emotionally flooded, guess what? They will be too.

Understanding What’s Really Happening Under the Surface

Before we get into the conversation itself, I want you to understand something crucial about what’s actually happening when emotions run high in these discussions.

When someone reacts strongly to a return-to-office conversation, they’re not just responding to logistics. Their emotional reaction is telling you something important – it’s signalling that a fundamental need isn’t being met.

Negative emotions are messengers. They’re your brain’s way of saying, “Pay attention, something important is at risk here.”

When that team member hears “you need to come back to the office,” their brain might be screaming about unmet needs for autonomy, trust, or security. Maybe it’s threatening their need for balance or their sense of being valued. Perhaps it’s triggering worries about their physical well-being if they’ve got caring responsibilities at home.

The emotion isn’t the problem – it’s valuable information about what matters to them.

And here’s what most leaders miss: when you try to avoid or shut down those emotions, when you push through with logic and policy, you’re actually making everything worse. You’re teaching people that their needs don’t matter, that it’s not safe to express how they really feel.

That’s when trust breaks down completely.

Your job isn’t to eliminate emotion or talk them out of it. Your job is to acknowledge it, understand what need it’s pointing to, and work with that information.

Using the COMPASS Model: Create Safety First

In my work with leaders, I use what I call the COMPASS Conversation Model for difficult conversations. The very first C stands for ‘Create Safety.’ That’s not fluffy stuff – it’s the absolute foundation that makes everything else possible.

Without safety, people shut down. With it, real conversations can happen.

So don’t lead with policy. Don’t open with justification.

Ground yourself first.

I’m serious about this. Take a few slow breaths. Check in with what emotion you’re carrying into this conversation.

If you’re frustrated, rushed, or already anxious about the outcome, that energy is going to leak out everywhere. You can’t hide it, no matter how professional you think you’re being.

Then, begin with curiosity instead of control.

Something like: “I’ve been thinking about how we can rebuild connection in the team and make collaboration feel easier. I’d like to explore whether some in-office time might help with that – but I’d really value hearing how that feels for you first.”

It’s simple, but it shifts the entire dynamic immediately.

You’re inviting a conversation, not dictating one.

Then – and this is crucial – name the fairness concern before they do.

“I know others are still remote, and this might feel unfair. I want us to talk about that too, because your view genuinely matters to me.”

You’ve just turned potential defensiveness into actual dialogue.

Why Silence is Your Secret Weapon

So many leaders talk themselves out of trust without even realising they’re doing it.

They fill every single gap in the conversation. They explain, justify, reassure, and repeat. All because silence feels uncomfortable.

But silence can be incredibly powerful when you know how to use it.

When you pause and let space exist in the conversation, you’re signalling something important: you want to understand, not just be understood.

That space allows people to express what they’re really thinking, not just what they think you want to hear.

And in those moments? You often discover what’s actually driving the resistance. Fear of inconsistency. Worry about the workload. Concern that returning will be seen as some kind of punishment.

Active listening isn’t about nodding and waiting for your turn to speak.

It’s about genuine presence. Being comfortable with the pause. That’s where trust actually builds.

Understanding Communication Styles with DiSC

And here’s something fascinating that most leaders don’t know: the way you deliver this message matters just as much as the message itself.

If you’ve worked with DiSC profiles, you’ll know what I mean. Someone with a D-style personality might actually respect the directness of “I need you in the office two days a week.” They want the bottom line.

But an S-style person? They need reassurance that the relationship is staying intact. They need to know you still value them. Same message, completely different delivery.

Understanding these communication style differences changes absolutely everything about how these conversations land.

When the Conversation Gets Hot

Even with the best intentions, some conversations will heat up. It’s human nature.

And I need you to understand something fundamental here: when people get defensive or emotional, that’s not them being difficult. That’s their amygdala – the emotional part of their brain – detecting a threat and jumping in before logic can catch up.

Heart rate rises. Breathing gets shallow. The thinking brain basically goes offline.

You cannot logic your way through someone’s amygdala reaction. You just can’t.

The answer isn’t to present more data, justify harder, or explain your position more clearly.

The answer is to help them regulate.

Your calm, grounded presence is what helps re-engage their thinking brain. That’s not fluffy leadership stuff – that’s actual neuroscience.

So if they get defensive – “Why me? Why not everyone?” – slow everything down.

Don’t counter straight away. Don’t explain. Don’t defend.

Say something like: “I can hear that this feels unfair to you. Help me understand what part feels hardest.”

You’ve just invited honesty instead of an argument. You’ve acknowledged the emotion, which helps them start to regulate.

If they go silent, resist every urge to fill that space with words.

They might be processing. They might be trying not to cry. They might be working through their thoughts.

You could gently say: “I don’t want to push this if it feels too much right now. Would you like to pause and come back to it later?”

If strong emotion rises – anger, tears, frustration – recognise it for what it is.

That’s their brain signalling that something they need is under threat. Maybe it’s autonomy. Maybe it’s security. Maybe it’s trust or respect or feeling valued.

The emotion is the messenger. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Give it time to settle. Sometimes five minutes of calm breathing together is way more productive than twenty minutes of pushing through.

And here’s something most leaders do that makes everything worse: they try to avoid the emotion. They change the subject, they minimise it, they say “it’s not that bad” or “you’re overreacting.”

When you do that, you’re teaching people that their feelings don’t matter, that it’s not safe to be honest with you.

That’s how you permanently lose trust.

The moment you stay grounded and acknowledge what they’re feeling without trying to fix it or talk them out of it, you send a powerful message: It’s safe to stay in this conversation.

That’s leadership in motion, right there.

What Fairness Actually Looks Like in Practice

When you’re leading change – especially when it affects people’s flexibility and autonomy – fairness becomes one of your greatest currencies.

But it’s also one of the easiest things to lose.

True fairness isn’t about sameness. It’s about transparency.

It’s explaining your reasoning clearly and listening openly to feedback.

It’s making sure people understand why a decision was made, how it was made, and that their perspective was genuinely heard in the process.

Even if they don’t agree with the outcome, most people can accept a decision when they feel respected throughout the process.

It’s when decisions come out of nowhere, or appear inconsistent, that fairness morphs into resentment faster than you can blink.

So if you’re asking one person to do something different from everyone else, be ready to show your working. Explain how you reached that decision. Invite feedback.

You don’t have to give away all your control, but you absolutely have to share context.

And here’s what nobody talks about enough: unfair return-to-office policies show up in places you might not be watching. They’re on Glassdoor. They come up in exit interviews. They’re discussed in your recruitment pipeline when candidates are deciding whether to accept your offer.

Word spreads fast when a workplace feels arbitrary or controlling. Your employer brand takes a hit that’s hard to recover from.

The cost of perceived unfairness isn’t just one unhappy employee. It’s the ripple effect across your entire team culture and your ability to attract and retain good people.

The Human Side of Hybrid Working

On forums like Reddit, managers are wrestling with this exact issue every single day.

Some say they desperately miss the buzz of the office.

Others are terrified of losing good people if they push too hard on returns.

And employees? They’re sharing how return discussions make them feel: controlled, excluded, undervalued, untrusted.

It’s a reminder that hybrid working isn’t just about flexibility or logistics.

It’s about identity.

Where people work ties directly into how much they feel trusted, respected, and genuinely seen as human beings.

When that gets disrupted, emotions flare. Fast.

That’s why these conversations can never just be about logistics or desk space or collaboration.

They’re about belonging.

They’re about whether people feel they matter as much as the work they produce.

The Ripple Effect You’re Creating

Every single interaction you have as a leader creates a ripple – emotional, behavioural, cultural.

The tone you bring. The way you respond. The words you choose. All of it sends messages that echo way beyond that one conversation.

When you handle a tough discussion with genuine empathy, people remember the safety you gave them. They remember feeling heard.

When you react from frustration or rush through it, that feeling spreads too.

That’s the ripple effect at play. Not in theory, but in every meeting, every one-to-one, every decision you make as a leader.

Leaders who truly understand this see culture completely differently.

They know that every single word either builds trust or chips away at it, piece by tiny piece.

That’s the emotional reality of leadership that nobody talks about in management training.

And when you start to recognise it and work with it consciously, you become so much more intentional about the ripples you’re creating in your team.

The Science Beneath the Calm

When people say, “I know it’s not personal – but it feels personal,” they’re absolutely right.

That’s their brain responding exactly as it’s wired to respond.

When we perceive a threat – real or imagined – our emotional brain, the amygdala, jumps in before logic can catch up. Heart rate rises. Breath shortens. Rational thinking shuts down completely.

You can’t logic your way through someone’s amygdala reaction. You just can’t.

The answer isn’t to over-explain or present more data or justify harder.

The answer is to regulate.

Your calm tone and grounded presence help re-engage their thinking brain. That’s not fluffy leadership stuff – that’s neuroscience.

This is why emotional intelligence isn’t a soft skill. It’s the actual science of leading human beings effectively.

The more emotionally aware you become, the more stable your conversations are. The more trust you build. The more respect you earn.

And that’s exactly what your team notices most about you.

What Happens After The Conversation

Here’s something most leaders get wrong: they think the conversation ends when you both stand up from the table.

It doesn’t.

Check in within 24-48 hours. A simple message or quick chat: “How are you feeling about our conversation yesterday?”

This isn’t about checking they’re “over it” or that they’ve accepted your decision.

It’s about showing you care about them as a person, not just about getting the outcome you wanted.

And here’s what’s really happening when you do this: you’re showing them that their emotional response mattered. That the need they expressed – whether it was for autonomy, security, trust, whatever it was – you heard it. You’re still thinking about it.

This follow-up is where trust actually deepens. It’s where people see that you’re not just going through the motions of “doing leadership properly.” You genuinely care.

Because the truth is, if you’ve had a conversation where someone expressed real emotion about an unmet need, they’re probably still processing it. They might have thought of things they wished they’d said. They might be feeling vulnerable or exposed for having shown you how they really feel.

When you reach back out, you’re saying, “It’s still safe. I’m still here. This matters.”

That’s the kind of leadership that builds loyalty.

Building Fairness One Conversation at a Time

Every leader I know wants to be fair. That’s not the issue.

But fairness isn’t a one-time act that you tick off a list. It’s a daily practice.

It’s shown through small, consistent choices:

Inviting someone to share their perspective before making a change that affects them.

Acknowledging their emotion instead of defending your position.

Checking in after a tough discussion to genuinely see how they’re feeling.

Being willing to adapt if something truly isn’t working.

Those moments build long-term trust in your leadership. And trust – not authority, not your job title – is what keeps people genuinely engaged in their work and committed to your team.

Final Thoughts

If you’re leading through this right now, you’re not alone in finding this tricky. I promise you that.

Nobody’s leading in the same landscape they started in. The ground keeps shifting underneath us – expectations, working styles, what people need from their leaders.

But if you can stay anchored in fairness, curiosity, and emotional awareness, you’ll not only manage the return to workplace conversation well – you’ll actually strengthen your team’s trust in you through it.

Because here’s the truth: people don’t remember the policy you implemented.

They remember how you made them feel during the change.

This is exactly the kind of situation I help leaders work through in my Conversation Catalyst sessions.

We work on how to prepare yourself emotionally for charged conversations, recognising when a discussion is veering off track and what to do about it, staying calm and regulated when others aren’t, leading with fairness while still moving things forward, and turning tension into trust and genuine collaboration.

Because leading people back into the workplace isn’t really about where they sit or which days they come in.

It’s about how they feel when they get there. How safe they feel. How valued. How seen.

And when you lead those conversations with empathy, clarity, and courage, you don’t just bring people back into the office.

You restore their trust in you as their leader.

If you want to discuss how to handle these conversations on your team, my DMs are always open. You can find me on LinkedIn or visit my website at thepeoplementor.co.uk.

That’s all from today’s podcast. I hope it’s given you some food for thought and made some of those difficult conversations you’ve been dreading feel a bit easier.

Take care, and I’ll see you next time.

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