A few months ago, Jane came to see me. She was upset, frustrated, and honestly, a bit angry.
Her manager had pulled her aside and told her she needed to “get better control over her emotions at work.” Jane is a talented project manager in her early thirties, passionate about her work, and deeply committed to her team. But apparently, she was too emotional at work.
When I asked Jane for specific examples from her manager, she went quiet. There weren’t any. No concrete instances, no clear feedback, just this vague criticism that she was too emotional.
The frustrating thing is, I hear this story far too often. It’s particularly common with women in leadership roles, but men face it too. Someone’s told they’re too emotional without any real guidance on what that means or how to address it.
I recognised myself in Jane immediately. Years ago, I was that person. If I was upset, everyone knew it. My emotions were written all over my face, and I hadn’t yet learned how to manage them effectively in a professional setting. It sometimes held me back, and I knew it.
The conversation with Jane took me right back to those difficult years when I was juggling a demanding career, raising two daughters, and at times doing it all as a single parent. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and yes, sometimes my emotions got the better of me at work.
Here’s what I’ve learned over 33 years in business: emotions aren’t the enemy. They’re incredibly valuable signals that something needs your attention. The problem isn’t having emotions at work, it’s not knowing how to manage them constructively.
So let me share with you the same tips I gave Jane, techniques I’ve picked up through years of experience, research, and, quite honestly, making plenty of mistakes along the way.
When Your Emotions Start to Overwhelm You at Work
Let’s start with the immediate situation. You’re in a meeting, someone’s just said something that’s triggered you, and you can feel your throat tightening or your eyes starting to sting.
What do you do?
Take some deep breaths. I know this sounds almost too simple, but it works. If you can, walk over to a window and focus on something outside. Ground yourself by concentrating on one specific thing, a tree, a building, a cloud. This gives your brain something neutral to focus on whilst your nervous system calms down.
I remember doing this during a particularly tense budget meeting years ago. I excused myself briefly, stood by the window, and just breathed whilst looking at the park across the street. Those three minutes made all the difference.
Try smiling. This one surprised me when I first learned about it, but it’s backed by solid neuroscience. The physical act of smiling, even when you don’t feel like it, actually changes your brain chemistry. It’s not about putting on a fake happy face, it’s about using your body to influence your mind.
You start to feel better about yourself when you smile. It takes the heat off the situation. I’ve used this countless times when I could feel myself getting defensive or upset in a conversation.
Understanding the Patterns Behind Your Emotions at Work
Emotions don’t just appear out of nowhere. They come in waves, and understanding these patterns is crucial for managing them effectively.
Start keeping track. When you notice strong emotions arising, write them down.
Not just “I felt angry” but the full context: What was happening around you? How did you physically feel? What was the specific situation? What thoughts were running through your head?
I worked with a manager, let’s call him David, who started doing this after repeatedly clashing with a particular colleague. After two weeks of journaling, the pattern became crystal clear: every time this colleague questioned his decisions in front of others, David felt undermined and defensive.
Once he could see the pattern, he could address it directly rather than just react each time emotionally.
The breakthrough came when David realised it wasn’t about the questions themselves; it was about where they happened. In private conversations, he was fine with being challenged. But in team meetings, it felt like his authority was being questioned in front of everyone.
Once he understood this, he could have a calm conversation with his colleague about the impact of public challenges, and they agreed on a way to raise concerns that worked for both of them.
Change your perspective. This is harder than it sounds, especially in the moment, but it’s incredibly powerful. Try looking at the situation from the other person’s viewpoint.
I learned this the hard way. I once had an employee whose behaviour I found aggressive and, frankly, frightening. Then I ran into her previous manager, who shared something that changed everything. She told me she would take deep breaths before responding to this woman and would hide her hands so the staff member couldn’t see how upset she was.
That conversation helped me see that I wasn’t alone in finding this person challenging, and it gave me practical strategies to cope. Finding someone to talk to, someone who can coach you through difficult situations, can be invaluable.
Recognising and Naming Your Emotions in the Workplace
One of the most powerful things you can do is get specific about what you’re actually feeling.
Don’t just say “I’m upset.” What kind of upset?
Are you frustrated? Disappointed? Hurt? Angry? Each of these emotions tells you something different about what you need.
When you can name the specific emotion you’re experiencing, you’re already halfway to managing it. Ask yourself why you’re feeling this way. What’s the real emotion underneath?
I worked with a team leader who would describe herself as just stressed about everything. When we dug deeper, she realised that what she was actually feeling most of the time was a sense of being overwhelmed because she was trying to do everything herself. Once she could name that specific feeling, she could address the actual problem: she needed to delegate more effectively.
Learning from Others in the Workplace, Managing Their Emotions
Watch how other people manage their emotions. You’ll be surprised by what you can learn just by observing.
I’ve had the privilege of working with some brilliant leaders over the years, and I’ve learned different techniques from each of them. One executive I worked with had this habit of pausing before responding to anything contentious. Just a three-second pause. It seemed like such a small thing, but it was incredibly effective at keeping conversations constructive.
Knowing When to Step Away
I’ll never forget the time a group of managers disagreed with my suggestions for resolving a problem. I felt like they were all ganging up on me, and I didn’t handle it well. I got upset, defensive, and it wasn’t professional.
It took me a few weeks to realise what I should have done. Suggested we park the issue and come back to it another day, then talked to people individually once emotions had cooled.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is pause the conversation. There are situations where it’s better to cut the discussion until everyone’s emotions have settled. This isn’t avoiding conflict, it’s managing it intelligently.
If you feel overwhelmed, it’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I need to take a break and come back to this later.” In fact, it’s far more professional than pushing through and saying something you’ll regret.
Dealing with Difficult People and Your Emotions
This is perhaps one of the hardest emotional challenges at work: when you genuinely dislike someone you have to work with.
I’m not going to pretend this is easy. It isn’t. But you still need to work together, and you’re both being paid to do a good job.
Remember that two wrongs don’t make a right. If someone’s rude and unhelpful, treat them politely and helpfully anyway. This isn’t about being a doormat; it’s about maintaining your own professional standards regardless of how others behave.
I had to learn this lesson the hard way. There was someone I worked with years ago who seemed to delight in making things difficult. Every request was met with resistance, every suggestion was shot down, and the whole dynamic was exhausting.
My initial response was to match their energy. If they were going to be difficult, I’d be difficult right back. But that just made everything worse. The tension escalated, other people started taking sides, and the work suffered
It was only when I consciously decided to respond with consistent professionalism, regardless of how they behaved, that things began to shift. I set clear boundaries, didn’t engage in rudeness, and didn’t retaliate. It took time, but the dynamic did eventually improve.
If someone’s blatantly rude, you can absolutely address it. But do it calmly: “I won’t be treated that way,” and then take a break from the situation.
Managing Your Own Expectations With Your Emotions
Sometimes the emotional struggle comes from within – from our own frustration when things aren’t moving at the pace we want.
I’ve worked with many driven, ambitious managers who get frustrated when their teams can’t keep up with their pace. They push harder, get angrier, and the whole dynamic becomes toxic.
Stop and look at those around you. How are they feeling? Are you taking into account the speed they need to go at? Is there actually a positive side to going slower that you’re missing because you’re so focused on the negative?
This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I used to pride myself on being the person who could juggle multiple projects, work long hours, and still deliver exceptional results. But I was burning out my team in the process.
Once I learned to match my pace to what was sustainable for everyone, not only did the team’s morale improve, but the quality of our work also improved.
What This All Comes Down To With Your Emotions
Managing your emotions at work isn’t about suppressing them or pretending they don’t exist. It’s about understanding them, working with them, and using them as valuable information rather than letting them control you.
I spent years thinking I needed to be tougher, less sensitive, more professional in the traditional sense. What I actually needed was to understand my emotional triggers, develop strategies for managing them, and build the confidence to handle difficult situations without being overwhelmed.
If you’re struggling with this, you’re not alone. I’ve been there, and so have countless managers I’ve worked with over the years. In my experience, the managers who progress in their careers are those who’ve learned this one crucial skill: emotional management.
It’s not something you master overnight. I’m still working on it after more than three decades in business. But with practice, awareness, and the right strategies, you can absolutely learn to manage your emotions effectively at work.
And when you do, you’ll find that those difficult conversations become easier. Your relationships with colleagues improve. You feel more confident and in control. And you stop seeing your emotions as a weakness and start recognising them for what they really are: a valuable source of insight that, when managed well, can make you a better leader, colleague, and professional.
Your Next Steps with Managing Your Emotions
Have a think about which of these strategies resonates most with you. Maybe it’s the journaling to understand your patterns. Maybe it’s learning to pause before reacting. Maybe it’s simply giving yourself permission to step away when emotions are running high.
Pick one technique and try it this week. See what happens.
But if you’re reading this and thinking, “I need more than just tips, I need a proper system for handling these emotional conversations,” then let me tell you about something that might help.
My Mastering Emotional Conversations course is designed for people who know they need to improve how they manage their emotions during difficult conversations but don’t know where to start.
Maybe you’re avoiding a conversation you know you need to have because you’re worried you’ll cry or lose your temper.
Perhaps you’ve already had a difficult conversation go wrong, and you’re anxious about facing that person again.
Or you’re tired of feeling like your emotions are holding you back from the promotion or the leadership role you want.
If any of this sounds familiar, this course could be exactly what you need.
You’ll get online training videos that help you understand your emotional triggers, manage your reactions, and prepare for difficult conversations so you can stay calm and in control. The workbooks give you practical exercises you can actually use in real situations, not just theory that sounds good but doesn’t work in practice.
This isn’t about suppressing your emotions or becoming some cold, detached professional. It’s about learning to work with your emotions, understand them, and use them as valuable information rather than letting them control you in the moment.
I’ve spent over 33 years learning these skills the hard way, making mistakes, crying in the office, and saying things I regretted. You don’t have to go through all of that. You can learn from my experience and research, and start having those difficult conversations with confidence.
If you’re ready to stop avoiding difficult conversations and start mastering them, find out more about the Mastering Emotional Conversations course.
What tips have worked for you? I’d love to hear about your experiences with managing emotions at work. Because whilst I’ve shared what’s worked for the managers and me I’ve worked with, everyone’s journey is different, and we can all learn from each other.
Want more support, come and watch my videos on YouTube.