Hello and welcome to my podcast. I’m Nicola from The People Mentor, and today I will talk about something every leader faces at some point: that moment when you notice tension in your team.

You’ve probably felt that awkward silence in the room. You may have noticed a team member has gone quiet, or there’s a frosty reply to your email. And suddenly you’re wondering if you’ve upset someone, if there’s an issue brewing that you’ve missed, or if you’re dealing with actual conflict.

After years of working with leaders, micro business owners, and managers across every sector, from manufacturing to local government, I’ve learned something important:

Most workplace conflict isn’t about conflict at all. It’s about miscommunication.

If you can spot the difference early, you can save yourself time, energy, and unnecessary stress.

In today’s episode, I’m going to explore how miscommunication is often mistaken for conflict, what happens in our brains when that occurs, how to enhance your communication approach, and practical ways to adapt your message so people truly understand what you’re saying.

The Cost of Miscommunication

Before I share a personal story, let me highlight why this matters so much. Research shows that the average employee spends nearly 2.5 hours per week dealing with unnecessary conflict. For managers, this figure jumps to over 4 hours. That’s roughly 10% of your work week lost to preventable issues.

Even more concerning, a Salesforce study found that 86% of employees cite poor communication as the primary reason for workplace failures. Think about that: It is not a lack of skills or resources, but simply miscommunication.

So this isn’t just about comfort; it’s about productivity, retention, and ultimately, your bottom line.

Let me start with a story from my own experience.

A while back, I supported a senior manager in a mid-sized business who’d been told her leadership style was “too direct.” She was utterly baffled by this feedback. From her perspective, she didn’t shout, she didn’t micromanage, and she was simply being clear with her team.

But when we dug a little deeper, we discovered the real problem. Her emails were abrupt and lacked warmth. Her one-to-one meetings felt clinical rather than supportive. And in team meetings, she would typically jump straight into business matters without checking in with people first.

As a result, her team didn’t feel psychologically safe enough to speak up. They gradually withdrew, offering less input and engagement. Seeing this withdrawal, she assumed they weren’t committed to their work or the team.

It wasn’t conflict at all – it was pure miscommunication.

She thought she was being efficient and respecting their time, but they thought she didn’t care about them as people.

And this kind of misunderstanding? It happens constantly in workplaces everywhere.

The COMPASS Communication Model

In my work, I’ve developed what I call the COMPASS model for communication – a framework that helps navigate conversations effectively:

C – Create safety: Establish psychological safety before diving into content

O – Observe non-verbal cues: Pay attention to what’s not being said

M – Match your delivery to your audience: Adapt your style to their needs

P – Present clearly and concisely: Structure your message for maximum clarity

A – Ask for feedback: Check understanding throughout the conversation

S – Summarise key points: Reinforce what matters most

S – Secure next steps: Ensure clarity on actions moving forward

This model provides a practical structure for ensuring communication stays on track. When managers in my training programs consistently apply this, their reported “communication issues” typically drop.

Understanding Communication Fundamentals

When we communicate, we often focus solely on the message we want to convey. However, effective communication is a continuous loop involving sending and receiving information.

For communication to be truly effective, several elements need to align:

1. The sender needs to express their thoughts clearly
2. The medium needs to be appropriate for the message
3. The receiver needs to interpret the message accurately
4. Feedback needs to confirm understanding

The breakdown can happen at any of these stages. Perhaps you weren’t as clear as you thought. You may have chosen the wrong medium – using email for something that needed a face-to-face conversation. Or possibly the receiver misinterpreted your tone or intent.

The Brain’s Role in Miscommunication

Our brains are constantly trying to conserve energy. They take shortcuts, fill gaps, and make assumptions based on past experiences. This affects both how we communicate and how we interpret others’ communication.

When we’re communicating, we often think we’re being clear. But our facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and delivery can tell a completely different story without us realising it.

Meanwhile, the person receiving our message is filling in gaps with their own assumptions, stereotypes, and past experiences.

This happens because of how our brains process information. The first phase of perception is fast, automatic, and often inaccurate. The brain prioritises efficiency over accuracy in its initial assessment.

Unless we consciously engage that second, slower phase of perception, where we take time to analyse and verify, misunderstandings become locked in and treated as facts.

This is where leadership communication often goes wrong. You’re trying to lead and guide, while your team members are trying to interpret not just your words but all the nonverbal cues you’re unconsciously sending.

If your intention doesn’t match your delivery, you have a problem brewing.

The Communication Alignment Framework

A practical tool I use with leaders is to help them align their intentions with their impact. Before any critical conversation, ask yourself these four questions:

1. What’s my genuine intention? Be honest with yourself about what you want to achieve.
   
   
2. How might this be perceived? Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider possible interpretations.
   
   
3. What signals might undermine my message? Consider your tone, body language, timing, and medium.
   
   
4. How can I bridge any gaps? Determine what you need to add, clarify, or adjust.
   
   

I had a client – a technical director at a software company – who was frustrated that his team seemed to ignore his input. Using this framework, he realised he intended to help, but his delivery (rapid-fire suggestions without context) was being perceived as criticism. By simply prefacing his comments with “I’m suggesting this because I want to help you succeed,” his team’s receptiveness transformed.

Key Elements of Effective Communication

If you want to be understood and avoid unnecessary conflict, your communication needs to incorporate several key elements:

Clarity: Your message should be straightforward and easy to understand. Avoid jargon or overly complex language when simple words will do. For example, instead of saying “We need to optimise our cross-functional collaboration methodologies,” try “We need our teams to work better together.”

Directness: Get to the point without excessive preamble. Research shows that people retain about 70% more information when the main point comes first rather than buried in context.

Specificity: Be precise about what you mean. Vague statements like “I need this soon” leave too much room for interpretation. Instead, say, “I need this by 3 p.m. on Thursday.”

Accuracy: Check your facts before communicating. Nothing undermines your credibility faster than incorrect information.

Context-awareness: Provide enough background information for your message to make sense. What seems evident to you might not be to others.

Consistency: Ensure your message aligns with previous communications and that your actions match your words. Inconsistency creates distrust and confusion.

Courtesy: Remember how you say something is just as important as what you say. Professional doesn’t have to mean cold or impersonal.

Consider a recent communication with your team – whether a meeting, email, or chat. Did it incorporate all these elements?

If not, that could be the root of any tension you’re experiencing.

Delivery Matters: How You Say It

Even with perfect content, how you deliver your message can make or break effective communication.

Consider these aspects:

Structure: Are your key points clear and memorably presented? Research on memory retention suggests that people typically remember the first thing you say, the last thing you say, and any emotional peaks.

Tone: Does your tone match your message and the context? A serious matter needs a different tone than a routine update.

Pace: Are you speaking too quickly or overloading with too much information at once? The average person can process speech at about 150-160 words per minute, but many of us speak much faster than that when nervous or excited.

Physical presence: How are you positioned? Standing over someone has a different impact than sitting alongside them.

Body language: Is your nonverbal communication reinforcing your message or contradicting it? Studies suggest that when verbal and nonverbal cues conflict, people believe the nonverbal signals.

When I work with leaders on these aspects, they often have an “aha” moment – realising that their message wasn’t the issue, but how they delivered it sent signals they never intended.

Here’s a technique I’ve found particularly effective in ensuring your message lands as intended:

The 3-1-3 Method: Start with three key points you want to convey, focus on one core message throughout, and summarise with three takeaways. This structure helps people organise information in their minds and significantly improves retention.

Different People, Different Approaches

One of the most common mistakes I see leaders make is using the same communication approach with everyone on their team.

But people aren’t identical copies. They process information differently, and they have different values, priorities, and communication preferences.

Some team members are naturally analytical and will want detailed information with evidence to back it up. Others are more relationship-focused and need emotional context to connect with the message. Some value action above all and just want the headline and clear next steps.

Understanding these differences isn’t about manipulation but clarity and effectiveness. You’re adapting your approach to help your message land and stick with each individual.

If you’re not sure what approach works best for someone, there’s a simple solution: ask them. Questions like “How would you prefer I share this information with you?” or “What would help you best understand this?” can transform your communication effectiveness.

This is where tools like DiSC assessments can be incredibly valuable. They help you understand your own communication style and that of your team members.

The Communication Mismatch Exercise

Here’s a powerful exercise I use with leadership teams: The Communication Mismatch Exercise.

Have each team member write down:

1. How they prefer to receive critical information
2. How they think they typically deliver information to others

Then compare notes. The mismatches revealed are often eye-opening. I’ve seen countless leaders suddenly understand why particular team relationships have been strained – they’ve been communicating in ways they would hate to receive information!

This simple exercise creates immediate awareness and practical opportunities for adjustment.

Real-Time Adaptation

Great communicators know that effective communication isn’t a one-way broadcast. It’s responsive, attentive, and flexible.

This means paying attention to how your message is received and adjusting in real time. Watch for:

• Changes in eye contact
• Shifts in body position
• Facial expressions and gestures
• Changes in vocal tone or tempo

These non-verbal cues often tell you more about how your message lands than what people say in response.

I often use observation exercises with my clients to help them develop this skill. Try spending five minutes in your next meeting just watching how people respond physically to different speakers and topics. What’s being said without words?

This awareness helps you identify misunderstandings before they solidify into a problem.

Confirming Understanding

You’ve delivered your message clearly, adapting to the needs of your audience. Now what?

The final step that many leaders miss is confirming understanding – and I don’t mean asking “Any questions?” which puts people on the spot and rarely gets an honest response.

Instead, try approaches like:

“What’s your takeaway from our discussion today?” “What do you see as your first step after this conversation?” “Which parts of our discussion would you like me to clarify?”

Most importantly, create an atmosphere where questions are welcomed, not seen as a sign of inattention or confusion. Phrases like “This is complex, so let’s ensure we’re all on the same page” remove pressure and create psychological safety.

Five Signs You’re Dealing with Miscommunication, Not Conflict

How do you know if you’re dealing with miscommunication rather than conflict? Look for these five signs:

1. People seem confused rather than angry: Genuine confusion often manifests as withdrawal or hesitation, not hostility.
   
   
2. The issue appears suddenly without history: True conflicts typically build over time; sudden tension often signals misunderstanding.
   
   
3. Different recollections of the same conversation: When people recall entirely different versions of what was discussed, it’s likely miscommunication.
   
   
4. Problems emerge after changes in communication channels: Did issues start after switching from in-person to electronic communication? That’s a red flag for miscommunication.
   
   
5. Resolution comes quickly with clarification: True conflicts resist simple explanation, while miscommunication often resolves when adequately addressed.
   
   Recognising these signs early can save you countless hours of unnecessary “conflict resolution” when clarity’s needed.

The Path Forward

So, when you sense tension in your team, ask yourself: is it actual conflict or miscommunication?

More often than not, what looks like resistance, disengagement, or conflict is confusion or misinterpretation.

The manager thinks the team isn’t committed. The team feels unheard or misunderstood.

The solution lies in slowing down, checking your message for clarity, adapting your delivery to your audience, inviting feedback, repeating key points, and adjusting your approach next time.

Remember that misunderstandings don’t make you a lousy leader. Communication is a skill that can be strengthened with practice and awareness. When you get it right, trust builds, performance improves, and tension dissolves.

Don’t miss my next podcast; just subscribe to get notifications. Until then, I’m Nicola from The People Mentor, reminding you that effective communication isn’t about having all the answers – it’s about asking better questions.

Struggling with managing difficult conversations, book a call.