You finally said it. You drew the line. You expressed what needed to be said.
But then it hit you like a wave.
That sinking feeling in your stomach. The mental replay of every word you uttered. And then those nagging questions start rolling in.
Was I too harsh?
Should I have just let it go?
Did I overreact?
That’s what I call the guilt hangover. And if you care deeply about your team, clients, or relationships, I guarantee you’ve felt it.
I want you to know right now that guilt isn’t proof that you did something wrong. It’s often just a sign that you could have done something different.
And that difference is leadership.
Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Uncomfortable (Even When They're Necessary)
If you’ve always been the fixer, the peacekeeper, or the one who keeps the team calm, setting boundaries can feel like breaking an unspoken rule.
I know this feeling all too well. In my 30+ years of management experience, I’ve seen how those rewarded for being “easy to work with” or “always available” struggle the most with drawing lines.
My research into the DiSC framework shows that this is especially true for people with high S (Stability) or I (Influence) tendencies. These people are naturally inclined to prioritise harmony and relationships over personal needs.
But here’s the reality I’ve come to understand:
Kindness without boundaries becomes self-abandonment.
Boundaries aren’t cold; they’re clear. They don’t create distance; they build trust.
Your team needs a calm, consistent leader rather than a “nice” one who burns out quietly.
What Happens When You Don't Set Boundaries
Let’s make this practical.
You might think you’re keeping the peace when you say “yes” to everything to avoid discomfort. But here’s what’s happening:
- Standards start to slip
- You end up doing work that isn’t yours
- Others learn to lean on you, but not with respect
- Your resentment simmers just below the surface
Over time, this doesn’t just hurt your well-being; it also confuses your team or clients. People can’t work around boundaries they can’t see.
I once managed someone who never said no to any request, regardless of how overwhelmed she was. I watched her go from enthusiastic to bitter in just six months. When she finally burned out and left, her team was genuinely shocked. They had no idea she was struggling because she never communicated her limits.
Boundaries Are Energetic, Not Just Verbal
We often think boundaries are about what we say. But actually, they start in the body.
Have you ever felt:
- A tightening in your chest during a meeting?
- A sinking feeling after saying yes to something you didn’t want to do?
- Your jaw clench when someone crosses a line?
Your nervous system tells you, “This isn’t safe or fair.”
Your body registers the boundary before your mind talks you out of it. This is why nervous system regulation matters so much in leadership.
The COMPASS Conversation Model I’ve developed starts with “Creating Safety”, which includes safety for yourself, not just others. If your baseline state is tension, overwhelm, or stress, it’s harder to hold your ground, think clearly or respond calmly.
The 5-Second Leadership Reset
Before responding to something that feels off, try this quick technique:
- Drop your shoulders
- Take a deep breath (in for 4, out for 6)
- Place your feet flat on the floor
- Name how you feel
- Ask: “What do I need to feel safe or steady now?”
This small habit builds the inner capacity needed for calm authority, which doesn’t rely on volume or force.
The Hidden Cost of Being Everyone's Problem-Solver
When you pick up the slack, smooth things over, or take on what isn’t yours, it often comes from good intentions.
But let’s be honest.
This is how you lose your sense of self.
Over-functioning leads to:
- Decision fatigue
- Passive resentment
- Emotional depletion
- A team that stops taking responsibility
And worst of all?
You lose trust in yourself. Because every time you abandon your boundary, you reinforce the belief that speaking up is unsafe.
I’ve seen this repeatedly with managers I mentor who struggle with difficult conversations. They avoid saying what needs to be said, creating a dysfunctional cycle that impacts performance, teamwork, and ultimately, their mental health.
Questions to Ask Before Setting a Boundary
Before you speak up, try these self-check questions:
- What am I feeling right now, not just thinking?
- What story am I telling myself about the other person’s reaction?
- Am I holding this boundary to control them, or protect my energy?
- What would I be proud of in the future?
This kind of emotional clarity leads to healthier conversations and less regret later.
Scripts for Boundaries That Are Kind and Clear
Sometimes the most challenging part is knowing what to say. So here are a few practical scripts to try
Scenario
Instead of This...
Try Saying This
Constant interruptions.
“Can you just stop?”
“I want to hear your thoughts. Can we take turns so I don’t miss anything?”
Repeated lateness
"You're always late"
"We're starting promptly moving forward. I'd love for you to be there."
Scope creep from a client
“You’re asking too much”
“Let’s revisit our original agreement before adding anything.”
Passive aggression in meetings
"That's rude"
"That comment felt off, can we bring it back to a productive tone?" (Be specific about why)
You don't need to be perfect. You just need to be steady.
Why Guilt Shows Up (And How to Move Through It)
Let’s get to the heart of the guilt hangover.
Research from Positive Intelligence shows that guilt tends to appear when your “Judge” saboteur is activated. This happens when:
- You’ve said something unfamiliar but necessary
- You’re growing beyond your old identity
- Someone else is uncomfortable, and you feel responsible
But let’s be clear: Guilt is a signal, not a stop sign.
When it creeps in, ask:
- Am I responding to someone else’s discomfort or my growth?
- What do I believe this guilt says about me?
- Is that true, or is it a script I’ve been handed?
This is about reclaiming inner trust.
Rebuilding Inner Trust (Especially After a Feedback Flop)
Maybe you’ve tried speaking up before, but it didn’t go well. You froze. You exploded. You backtracked.
That doesn’t mean you’re bad at boundaries. It means you’re human.
I remember when I first had to address performance issues as a new manager. I was so anxious about the conversation that I rushed through it, didn’t allow space for discussion, and left myself and my team member feeling worse.
The more you practice showing up from a grounded, self-respecting place, the more your inner system starts to believe: It’s safe to speak. It’s safe to protect my energy. I’m allowed to say no.
Micro-Recovery After Holding a Boundary
Holding a boundary, even a respectful one, can leave you feeling exposed.
So, build in some emotional recovery.
Try:
- A 10-minute walk to decompress
- Writing a sentence like: “I showed up today with clarity and courage”
- Debriefing with someone safe, not to get validation, but to process the moment
This is how you create resilience, not reactivity.
Repair Is Part of Boundaries Leadership
What if it didn’t land well? What if someone’s upset?
Repair doesn’t mean “I take it back.” It means “I value this relationship, and I want clarity.”
Using the Ask for Perspective step of the COMPASS model, you can say:
“I want to acknowledge that our last conversation felt heavy. Would you be open to revisiting it?”
“I’d like to check in on how that landed. My intention was clarity, not harm.”
“I’m still clear on my boundary and care about how we move forward.”
Boundaries and repair go hand in hand. That’s how trust grows.
The Takeaway
You don’t need to rehearse every sentence 50 times. You don’t need to apologise for wanting peace or fairness. You don’t need to be everything for everyone.
You need to lead from your values and respect your limits.
Boundaries don’t break trust. They build it.
So if you’re sitting with a guilt hangover today, let this be your reframe:
You didn’t do something wrong. You did something powerful.
And your future self? She’s proud of you already.
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Do you struggle with difficult conversations and boundary-setting in your workplace? My Conversations Catalyst Coaching programme helps managers develop the confidence to handle those tough discussions without anxiety. Contact me for a free discovery call to see how I can help.
