Hello and welcome to my podcast. I’m Nicola from The People Mentor.

There’s always one, isn’t there? That person who just gets to you.

It could be a tone they use, a comment they make in meetings, or just how they operate, it gets under your skin, and fast.

You’re not imagining it. But here’s what most people won’t say—it’s not them that’s the real issue. It’s the internal reaction they stir in you.

And that’s what today’s episode is all about: understanding your emotional triggers, how they escalate conflict, how to spot and manage them, and how to cope when someone else is having a meltdown.

If your buttons are getting pressed more than you’d like to admit, this one’s for you.

How Emotional Triggers Escalate Workplace Conflicts

Let’s start here, because we’ve all been there.

A tough moment in a meeting. A throwaway remark. A snappy email. And suddenly, you’re spiralling. You feel attacked, exposed, or just plain livid.

When we’re triggered, our brain short-circuits. We stop listening, start defending, and replay it all in our heads at 2 a.m.

I remember working with a finance director who prided himself on being calm and rational. But he’d become defensive and dismissive whenever his ideas were questioned in executive meetings. He didn’t realise how his reactions created an environment where his team stopped bringing innovative ideas forward. One small trigger was silently eroding his team’s psychological safety.

And when we don’t check these reactions, conflict brews.

It’s not always visible; sometimes, it’s the undercurrent that runs through everything. But it’s there. Trust erodes. Frustration builds. Teams divide.

According to Amy Edmondson’s research on psychological safety at Harvard, teams with higher psychological safety, where members feel comfortable addressing difficult moments and emotions, significantly outperform teams where people don’t feel safe speaking up.

 This shows the real business impact of how we handle emotionally charged interactions. The real damage happens when triggers go unnamed and unmanaged. They don’t just impact one moment—they shape the entire working environment.

How to Identify Your Emotional Triggers

Your triggers are personal.

What rattles one person might not register for another.

So your job is to tune in to what’s specifically true for you.

I’d like you to pause momentarily and think: What last workplace interaction left you ruminating hours later? What about it got to you?

Ask yourself:

• What kinds of situations make me feel defensive or upset?
• When was the last time I overreacted? What was underneath it?
• What do I need in those moments that I’m not getting?

And here’s a tool I often use with clients—the SCARF model. It shows the five key things that can set us off:

• Status – Feeling undermined
• Certainty – When things are unpredictable
• Autonomy – Feeling backed into a corner
• Relatedness – Feeling left out or disconnected
• Fairness – When things feel unjust

If you’re managing a remote team, these triggers manifest differently. The ‘relatedness’ trigger is prevalent when people feel disconnected from the team culture, while ‘certainty’ triggers often appear in Slack messages where clarity is missing.

Figure out which hits hardest for you, and you’ll start to recognise your trigger points before they erupt.

How to Cope With Your Triggers in the Moment

Now let’s talk strategy.

Once you’re aware of your triggers, the next step is managing them, especially when they occur mid-meeting or mid-conversation.

Here’s what I suggest:

1. Label what’s happening

Don’t bottle it up. And don’t become it.

Just name it, like this:

• “I’m feeling defensive”
• “This feels unfair”
• “I’m feeling undermined right now”

I worked with a team leader who would feel frustrated whenever her project timelines were questioned. She started privately labelling it in meetings: “I’m feeling defensive about my planning.” Just that awareness helped her respond more thoughtfully.

It sounds simple, but neuroscience supports it. Naming the emotion helps calm your brain’s alarm system and puts your thinking brain back in charge.

As Dan Siegel says, “Name it to tame it.”

2. Take control of your breath

When your emotions spike, your breathing gets quick, shallow, and erratic.

Let’s practice this together right now. Wherever you are, take a slow breath in through your nose for four counts. Now, exhale slowly for eight counts. Feel how that begins to settle your system.

Focus on your belly, not your chest. This will reset your body’s calmer state, known as your ‘rest and digest’ system.

The more you practise this, the faster you’ll feel the shift.

3. Distract your brain for a few seconds

A short, gentle distraction helps redirect your emotional focus.

Try:

• Feeling your feet pressing into the floor
• Rubbing your fingertips together and noticing the texture
• Looking around the room and spotting everything red

For remote workers, I often suggest keeping a small textured object on your desk for this purpose, something you can touch during tense virtual meetings to ground yourself.

It only takes a moment, but it creates just enough space for you to steady yourself.

4. Reframe the situation

This is about shifting your story.

Instead of “they’re doing this to me,” ask:

• “What might be going on for them?”
• “What value of mine feels threatened?”
• “What else could this mean?”

A healthcare manager I worked with had a brilliant reframing technique. Whenever she felt triggered by a colleague’s abrupt communication style, she would think, “This person is under immense pressure and doing their best with limited resources.” This simple reframe helped her respond with empathy rather than irritation.

Reframing lets you stay open, gives you options, and helps you lead with emotional clarity, not impulse.

5. Keep a script ready

Sometimes, you don’t get the luxury of stepping away.

You need to respond live and in the moment. A go-to script can be a lifesaver in this situation.

Write down a couple of lines you can use when feeling triggered, but still need to respond professionally.

Things like:

• “Thanks. I’d like a little time to think that through.”
• “That’s an interesting take. Can you expand on that?”
• “Let’s pause here and return to it with fresh eyes.”

Pick one or two that feel natural. Rehearse them. Make them part of your toolkit.

What About Their Triggers?

Here’s the curveball.

What if it’s not you who’s triggered, but someone else in the room?

They’ve snapped and gone quiet. Shut down.

Your job is to hold steady and avoid feeding the fire.

Here’s how:

• Stay grounded. Lower your tone. Slow your pace.
• Validate what you see without agreeing: “You seem frustrated—do you want to share more?”
• Ask curious questions: “What would be helpful right now?”
• Consider their SCARF triggers—what might feel threatened for them?

I observed this beautifully handled in a board meeting once. When a director became visibly agitated during a strategy discussion, the chair lowered her voice, acknowledged the tension, and asked, “What aspect of this direction concerns you most?” That simple response transformed what could have been a heated argument into a productive conversation about risk management.

You’re not there to fix it, but you can create the space for a better conversation.

After the Moment – Processing, Not Suppressing

Here’s what’s crucial.

All these strategies are about composure in the moment. They’re not about burying how you feel.

Once you’re out of the situation, give yourself time to reflect.

Ask:

• What exactly triggered me?
• What did I need in that moment?
• What will I do differently next time?

I encourage you to write these answers down. After your next trigger moment this week, take five minutes to journal about these three questions. You’ll be amazed at the patterns you start to notice.

Talk it through with someone you trust. Journal it. Sit with it. Whatever works for you.

Because when you process the emotion correctly, it loses its grip. You learn, grow, and move forward.

Mini-Exercise: Trigger Visualisation

Let’s practice right now with a quick visualisation.

If you can, close your eyes. If you’re driving, save this exercise until later.

Think of that person who tends to trigger you at work. Now, visualise a typical interaction… Notice where you feel tension in your body as you imagine this… Is it your jaw? Your shoulders? Your stomach?

Take a slow breath in for 4… and out for 8…

Imagine responding with one of these techniques, perhaps labelling your feelings, or asking a curious question…

Notice how your body feels different when you visualise this new response…

Take another breath, and come back to our conversation when you’re ready.

This mental rehearsal builds new neural pathways that make your new responses more accessible in real moments of stress.

Final Thoughts

Let’s keep it real.

You will get triggered again.

Someone will say something or do something that hits a nerve. But next time, you’ll know:

• What’s going on underneath
• How to steady yourself.
• What your options are.

And you won’t just react. You’ll respond with clarity, confidence, and calm.

That’s what leadership looks like.

Not perfection.

Just presence.

This week, I challenge you to catch yourself in one trigger moment and try the labelling technique we discussed. Then reflect on how it changed the outcome.

Think about:

• Which of the SCARF triggers was activated for you?
• Which technique worked best?
• What will you try next time

If you need more support in your leadership role or you have a team member who gets under your skin, get in touch for 1:1 coaching. Over the years, I’ve helped many leaders tackle difficult workplace relationships and build stronger, more productive teams.

That’s all for this episode. This is Nicola from The People Mentor, signing off. Until next time, take care of your triggers… and take care of yourself.