Have you ever been called the strong one? The calm one. The one who never flinches, even when the room is falling apart?
What people don’t see is what it costs you inside.

I’m Nicola, and after over 30 years in management – from serving tea in my parents’ café at 17 to managing teams in the Civil Service – I’ve learned something crucial about leadership that nobody talks about.

Today I want to explore that hidden cost. The quiet weight of always being the steady one. And what you can do to shift from holding everything together with an invisible thread to leading from a place of genuine strength.

One of those situations

Let me take you into a moment I know well, and I bet you do too.

You’re sitting in a meeting. Everyone’s eyes turn to you when tension rises. You feel the weight of expectation in the room. The participants want you to be calm, collected, and unshakeable. And you keep an even keel, because that’s what you do. You keep your face neutral, your voice steady, even though inside your mind is racing through the worst-case scenarios.

Later, when you’re back at your desk, the thoughts come flooding in. “If I let them see how stressed I really am, they’ll lose faith in me.” And so, once again, you hold it in. The team leaves lighter, but you leave heavier.

I did this for years. Right up until my body said enough and I had a heart attack in 2014. That’s when I realised – being the strong one had made me ill.

Where the Identity of The Strong One Starts

It usually begins fairly early in our careers. You show you can handle pressure. You get praised for staying composed when others panic.
That praise feels good. And before long, it becomes how you always perform.

In leadership, it’s reinforced again and again. Boards love it. Teams rely on it. And part of you starts to believe you have to be unshakeable, always.

But here’s what I’ve learned – there’s a massive difference between being steady and being suppressed. And that line blurs quickly.

The Real Problem with a Strength Culture

I frequently observe this in The Manager’s Academy. Brilliant leaders who’ve been conditioned to think that admitting pressure is weakness. That showing any crack will undermine their authority.
But the opposite is true. When you’re always fine, your team stops trusting you with the real issues. They think, “Well, if she never struggles, she won’t understand that I’m drowning.”

When Your ‘Strength’ Is Actually Slowly Burning You Out

Here’s what it looks like in practice:

• You listen to everyone else’s problems but never share your own
• You dismiss your stress with “I’m fine”, even when you’re clearly not
• You take on more than is yours to carry because someone has to
• You feel guilty for even thinking about letting others see your struggles
• You’re the first in, last out, always available for everyone else’s crises
• You find yourself thinking, “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done properly”

That’s not resilience. That’s suppression wearing a mask.

The Physical Signs

Your body keeps the score, too.

Are you:
• Clenching your jaw without realising?
• Getting tension headaches?
• Finding it hard to switch off at the end of the day?
• Lying awake rehearsing tomorrow’s difficult conversations?

These aren’t just stress symptoms. They’re your body’s way of saying, “This load is too much for one person to carry.”

Why Over-Functioning Becomes Your Normal

So why do we keep doing it?

Because over-functioning works, at least in the short term.
When deadlines loom, you step in. When conflict brews, you mediate. When others fall apart, you patch the gaps.
But over time, this becomes your normal. And here’s the real point – you start to believe it’s your job.

The Hidden Cost

The cost is higher than you think:

• Resentment creeps in (“Why does no one else care as much as I do?”)
• Decision fatigue sets in
• Your team stops stepping up because they know you will
• You lose sight of your bigger strategic role
• Your own development stagnates because you’re too busy firefighting

And here’s the thing that really gets me – you start asking yourself, “Why does no one else step up the way I do?”

The truth is, they don’t need to. Because you always will.

The Manager’s Trap

I call this the manager’s trap.

You become so good at solving problems that everyone brings them to you. Before you know it, you’re not leading – you’re just a very expensive problem-solver.

Client Story Example

One client I worked with – a senior manager in an NHS environment – told me she would take on every crisis herself. Staff absences, sudden complaints, budget headaches. She thought it was her job to absorb it all so her team could keep going.

What happened?

Her people stopped problem-solving.

They’d have an issue and think, “I’ll just wait for M to sort it.” And when she finally admitted she was exhausted, it came as a shock to them. They hadn’t realised the toll it was taking because she’d never let them see it.

The breakthrough came when she started saying things like, “I’m feeling the pressure on this one – can we work through it together?” Her team then began offering solutions rather than just presenting problems.

The Ripple Effect on Your Team

Here’s what’s even more important, and this is something I learned the hard way.

Your team doesn’t just listen to what you say. They mirror your emotional patterns.

If you’re tightly wound but silent about it, they pick up that tension. If you never admit pressure, they’ll hide their own. If you hold back vulnerability, they’ll perform strength too, and no one will talk about what’s really going on.

The Culture of Fine

This creates what I call the culture of fine. Everyone’s fine. The workload’s fine. The deadline’s fine. The conflict brewing between departments? That’s also fine.

But nothing’s actually fine. And over time? Productivity dips. Trust erodes. Engagement falls. Not because you’re failing as a leader, but because the unspoken message you’re sending is “we don’t talk about struggle here.”

What Your Team Really Needs

Your team doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be human. They need to see that even strong leaders have moments of pressure and, more importantly, that you handle that pressure in healthy ways.

When you model good stress management, you give them permission to do the same.

The Inner Critic’s Role in All This

Let’s talk about the voice in your head that’s probably running this whole show.
We all have an inner critic, that relentless voice that says you’re not doing enough, not good enough, not strong enough.

For managers, it often sounds like:

• “If I don’t handle this, it’ll go wrong”
• “I can’t show weakness – they’ll lose confidence in me”
• “Good leaders don’t complain”
• “Everyone else seems to cope better than me”

The People-Pleaser Manager

If you’re a people-pleaser like I was, your inner critic is especially vicious. It tells you that saying no is selfish. That admitting you’re struggling means you’re letting everyone down.
I used to think that being a good manager meant never burdening anyone else with my concerns. Turns out, that was just my people-pleasing in disguise.

The High-Achiever’s Burden

Or maybe you’re driven by achievement. Your critic says, “You’re only as good as your last result.” So you pile more and more onto your plate, thinking that’s what leadership looks like.
But here’s the thing – these voices are lying to you. Real strength comes from your wise mind, not your worried mind.

Practical Tools for Shifting the Pattern

So how do you actually change this? Because I’m all about practical solutions, not just feel-good theory.

The 60-Second Check-In

Start noticing your signals. Set a phone reminder to ask yourself three times a day:
• How tense am I right now?
• What am I holding onto that isn’t mine to carry?
• What would happen if I shared this load?

The Redirect Technique

When someone brings you a problem, instead of automatically solving it, try:

• “That sounds challenging. What options have you considered?”
• “What do you think we should do about this?”
• “How would you handle this if I wasn’t available?”

This isn’t being unhelpful – it’s developing your team’s problem-solving muscles.

The Honest Status Update

Instead of “Everything’s fine,” try:
• “I’m juggling quite a bit this week, so I’ll need us to prioritise”
• “This deadline’s putting pressure on all of us – let’s work through it together”
• “I’m feeling stretched, which means I might not be as available as usual”

The Energy Audit

At the end of each week, ask yourself:

• What drained my energy this week?
• What gave me energy?
• What did I do that someone else could have handled?
• Where did I over-function?

Building Your Support System (And Why Self-Compassion Matters)

Here’s something nobody tells you about management – it can be incredibly lonely. You can’t vent to your team about work pressures. You might not feel comfortable sharing struggles with your boss.

And when things go wrong? We’re often our own worst critics. I see this constantly – brilliant managers who would never speak to a colleague the way they talk to themselves in their heads.

The Self-Compassion Practice

The Self-Compassion Practice
When you’re having a difficult moment – maybe you’ve made a mistake, or you’re feeling overwhelmed – try this three-step approach:

1. Notice the moment: “This is difficult right now.” Not “I’m failing” or “I’m hopeless” – just acknowledge the reality of the difficulty.
2. Remember you’re not alone: “This is part of leadership. Other managers go through this, too.” You’re not broken or inadequate – you’re human.
3. Be kind to yourself: Put your hand on your chest, take a breath, and ask, “What do I need right now?” Maybe it’s a five-minute break, maybe it’s reaching out to someone, perhaps it’s just acknowledging that you’re doing your best with what you have.
   This isn’t about lowering your standards or making excuses. It’s about treating yourself with the same compassion you’d show a good friend who was struggling.

The Peer Network Solution

This is why having a peer network is crucial. Other managers who get it. Who understand the weight of responsibility and won’t judge you for admitting it’s hard sometimes.
In The Manager’s Academy, I frequently observe this happening. Managers say, “Oh my god, I thought it was just me,” when someone shares their struggles. There’s such relief in knowing you’re not alone in finding this challenging.

The Monthly Surgery Approach

One thing that works brilliantly is having a monthly surgery with other managers – a safe space to bring your thorniest people problems and get perspectives from people who’ve been there.
Not advice from HR textbooks, but real, practical wisdom from people in the trenches with you.

What Anchored Leadership Actually Looks Like

So what does healthy leadership look like? I call it anchored leadership.
Anchored leaders don’t deny stress. They acknowledge it, process it, and model healthier ways of responding. They’re honest about pressure without dumping their anxiety on their team.

The Anchor vs The Lifeguard

Think of it this way – a lifeguard jumps in to save everyone. An anchor provides stability, allowing the entire ship to remain steady.
When you’re anchored, you’re still strong. But your strength comes from being grounded, not from carrying everyone else’s weight.

Practical Anchoring

This might look like:

• “I’m under pressure this week, so I’ll need us to work smarter, not harder”
• Letting your team see that you, too, have limits
• Making decisions based on what’s sustainable, not just what’s urgent
• Admitting when you don’t have all the answers

Real Story: The Turning Point

Let me share something personal. After my heart attack, I had to completely rethink how I worked. I couldn’t be the person who stayed late fixing everything anymore.

The most surprising thing? My team stepped up. Not because they suddenly became more capable, but because I finally gave them space to do so. When I stopped being the answer to everything, they started finding their own answers.

And guess what? The answers were often better than mine because they were closer to the actual problems.

The Manager’s Academy Difference

This is exactly why I created The Manager’s Academy, because every manager deserves a space where they don’t have to be the strong one.

For £17 a month, you get:

• Monthly live sessions where you can bring your real challenges
• A community of managers who actually understand what you’re going through
• Practical tools and templates that work in the real world
• Permission to be human while still being an effective leader

It’s not about making you weaker – it’s about making your strength sustainable.
Because, let’s be honest, if you burn out, you’re not helping anyone. And if you’re constantly stressed, you’re not showing up as the leader you want to be.

Your Practical Toolkit This Week

Before our next episode, I want you to try these three things:

1. The Self-Compassion Pause – Next time you catch yourself being self-critical about a management situation, pause. Put your hand on your chest and ask:
   • “Is this how I’d speak to a friend going through the same thing?”
   • “What do I actually need right now?”
   • “How can I be kind to myself while still addressing this issue?”
2. The Reality Check – When your inner critic starts catastrophising (“If I don’t handle this perfectly, everything will fall apart”), ask:
   • “What evidence do I have that this is true?”
   • “What would my wise mind say about this situation?”
   • “What’s one small step I can take without carrying the whole load myself?”
3. The Honest Status Update – Instead of automatically saying “Everything’s fine,” try one genuine response this week:
   • “It’s been a challenging week, but we’re working through it”
   • “I’m juggling quite a bit right now, so let’s prioritise together”
   • “This is stretching me, which means I might need your patience as we figure it out”
   Notice what happens. Notice how it feels to be a bit more real. Notice how people respond. Most importantly, notice if sharing even a small part of the load makes the whole thing feel more manageable.

Closing Thought

So let me leave you with this: When was the last time you let someone else see your wobble?

If the answer is “I can’t remember,” then maybe it’s time.

Because strength isn’t about silence, it’s about steadiness. And steadiness comes from being anchored in reality, not from holding your breath and hoping everything works out.

The world needs leaders who are strong enough to be honest. Your team needs a manager who’s human enough to be relatable, but grounded enough to be trustworthy.

You can be both. And you don’t have to figure out how on your own.

Remember, be kind to yourself. Leadership is hard enough without pretending it isn’t.

I’m Nicola – The People Mentor. If this resonated with you, I’d love you to join us at The Manager’s Academy – because every great manager deserves great support.

Connect with Me

Drop me a message and let me know – what’s one thing you’re carrying that maybe isn’t yours to carry alone? I read every message, and your insights might just help another manager who’s listening.
Take care of yourself.