Hi, I’m Nicola from The People Mentor.
Think of this: You’re lying awake in the middle of the night, dreading tomorrow’s team meeting because you know Stuart is going to do that eye-rolling behaviour again. And afterwards? He’ll send his usual “sorry if I came across negatively” message. You’re thinking, “Here we go again”, and you’re wondering if you’re going crazy or if this is the fifth time you’ve had this exact same exchange.

Perhaps it’s a team member who’s always late but keeps promising it won’t happen again. Or that colleague who frequently snaps in meetings, then sends a quick “sorry about earlier” message. Or perhaps it’s even you, where you find yourself stuck in a cycle where you’re apologising for the same things over and over.

Today, I want to talk about what’s happening underneath these surface-level “sorrys” and how we can shift the dynamic in a way that’s kind but also gets actual results.

Because here’s what I’ve learned after 33 years in leadership, managing teams of up to 100 people and coaching many managers through these exact situations: surface-level apologies don’t build trust. They chip away at it. And more importantly for busy leaders like you, they’re stealing energy and focus you need to grow your business and do the work you love.

The Hidden Cost of Apology Cycles

Before we look at what’s happening, let’s be clear about what this pattern is costing you. When you’re stuck in these repetitive cycles, you’re not just dealing with a behaviour problem; you’re haemorrhaging leadership energy.

I’ve worked with managers who tell me they spend 60% of their mental energy thinking about one difficult team member. That’s energy that could be spent on strategic thinking, business development, or the aspects of leadership that energise you.

One client calculated that dealing with these repeated patterns was costing her team about 4 hours of productive time per week – between the disruption, the aftermath conversations, and her mental bandwidth. That’s over 200 hours a year. Imagine what you could accomplish with that time back.

Let’s Start With What This Looks Like

I was working with a manager recently – let’s call her Jess. She had a team member who would roll his eyes during meetings, make sarcastic comments under his breath, and then afterwards say, “Sorry if I came across as negative – I’m just passionate about the work.”
Jess was starting to dread team meetings. She’d lie awake the night before thinking about how to handle it if it happened again. And meanwhile, the rest of her team were starting to make comments about the awkward atmosphere.

This isn’t just a behaviour problem. It’s a relationship problem. And it’s happening because what we’re calling an “apology” isn’t doing the work that a genuine apology would do.

The Difference Between a Real Apology and a Reset Button

A genuine apology does three things:

• It acknowledges the actual impact of what happened
• It takes responsibility without making excuses
• It comes with a commitment to do something differently

But what we often hear instead are what I call “reset button apologies.” These are the ones that make the person feel better in the moment, but don’t address the underlying pattern, and most of all, you don’t see any changes.

Let’s discuss what’s usually driving these patterns, because once you understand this, everything becomes clearer. This is the foundation of what I call the COMPASS Conversation Model – we need to observe what’s happening and check our Motives before we can Create Safety for real change.

What’s Happening Under the Surface

From my work, I’ve noticed some common patterns that drive these cycles:

The People-Pleaser Pattern

This person is terrified of letting anyone down. They say sorry because they genuinely feel bad, but they never dig into what’s causing the problem. They’re so focused on keeping everyone happy that they don’t address the real issue.

I worked with someone like this who kept missing deadlines. Every time, she’d apologise profusely and promise to do better. But she never mentioned that she was taking on too much work because she couldn’t say no to anyone. The apology was genuine, but it was treating the symptom, not the cause.

The Overwhelmed Pattern

This is when someone’s apology comes wrapped in their own stress story. “I’m sorry I snapped – it’s just everything’s so crazy right now.”

They’re not necessarily trying to manipulate. They genuinely feel overwhelmed. But the apology becomes about their struggle rather than the impact of their behaviour on others.

The Control Pattern

This one’s harder to spot. The person apologises, but it feels somewhat calculated. They’re not reflecting on what happened. They’re managing the situation to maintain their position or avoid consequences.

I remember working with a senior manager who would apologise after being dismissive in meetings, but only when someone important was present. It wasn’t about genuine regret; it was about damage control.

The Analysis Pattern

These are the people who explain their way through an apology. “Given the circumstances and the pressure we were under, my reaction was understandable.”

It sounds reasonable, but you’re left feeling like they’ve justified their behaviour rather than taken responsibility for it.

Why This Wears Everyone Down (And Why It Gets Worse)

Here’s what happens when apologies become a pattern rather than a turning point:

➡️ The person giving the apology starts to feel worse about themselves because deep down, they know nothing’s changing. The people receiving the apology begin to lose trust, not just in that person, but sometimes in their leadership ability to address problems properly or in their manager for not dealing with the issue.
➡️ And if you’re the manager, watching this happen? You start questioning everything. Am I being too harsh? Should I let it go? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

But here’s the thing: these patterns don’t stay the same. They get harder to break the longer they continue. The neural pathways in the brain get stronger, the team starts to expect the pattern, and everyone settles into their roles in this dysfunctional dance.

I remember having a conversation with my daughter about this. She was about 12 and kept leaving her bedroom in chaos, despite promising every week she’d keep it tidy. One day I said to her, “I appreciate that you feel bad about it, but what I need is for the clothes to make it into the wardrobe and the books back on the shelf.”

That’s when it clicked for me. The feeling bad isn’t the solution, it’s just the first step.

A Word About Making Things Worse

I know some of you are thinking, “But what if I bring this up and make the situation worse?” This is one of the biggest fears I hear from the leaders I work with.

Let’s be honest: avoiding the conversation makes it worse. Every time the pattern repeats without being addressed, you’re essentially giving permission for it to continue. The team notices. Your credibility as a leader quietly erodes. And the person stuck in the pattern? They’re feeling just as frustrated as you are.

The key is how you approach it. When you come from a place of genuine curiosity rather than accusation, when you’re focused on finding a solution rather than proving a point, these conversations become much safer for everyone involved.

How to Shift This Dynamic

So what do you do when you recognise this pattern? Here’s what I’ve learned works, and this follows the structure of my COMPASS Conversation Model:

Step 1: Pause and Look at the Pattern (Observe)

Before you respond to the apology, take a breath. Ask yourself: Is this a one-off situation, or have I heard this before? What’s the gap between the words and what you are seeing – the actions?

You’re not trying to catch them out, you’re trying to understand what’s going on.

Step 2: Check Your Motive

Before you have the conversation, get clear on why you’re having it. Are you coming from a place of genuine care and curiosity, or are you trying to prove a point or vent your frustration?

The energy you bring to this conversation will determine whether it creates positive change or just more defensiveness.

Step 3: Create Safety and Address the Pattern Gently but Clearly

This is where most of us either avoid the conversation entirely (hoping it’ll sort itself out) or explode after the tenth time.

Instead, try something like: “I’ve noticed this situation keeps coming up, and while I appreciate your apology, I’m wondering what needs to change to prevent it from happening again.”

Or: “When the same issue keeps arising despite apologies, it suggests there’s something we need to address together.”
You’re not attacking their character. You’re inviting them to look at the situation with you.

Here are some specific phrases you can use:

• “I want to understand what’s making this challenging for you.”
• “Help me see what’s happening from your perspective.”
• “What would need to be different for this not to happen again?”

Step 4: Get Curious About What’s Underneath (Ask for Perspective)

This is where the deeper conversation happens.

Ask questions like:
What makes this situation challenging for you?
What’s usually happening just before this pattern repeats?
What support might help prevent this cycle?

I remember having this conversation with someone who kept interrupting in meetings. When I asked what was making it hard for him to wait his turn, he said he was worried he’d forget his point. We sorted out a simple system where he could jot notes, and the problem disappeared.

Sometimes the solution is surprisingly straightforward once you understand what’s driving the behaviour.

Step 5: Present the Impact

Sometimes people genuinely don’t realise the ripple effect of their behaviour. Share the impact in a factual, non-emotional way:
“When this happens, I notice the team becomes quieter for the rest of the meeting.” “The pattern is taking up about an hour of my mental energy each day.” “I’m concerned about how this affects team morale.”

Step 6: Suggest Solutions Together

Reflection without action just becomes another conversation that goes nowhere.

Ask:
What’s one thing you could try differently next time?
What would help you stay on track when this gets difficult?
How can we set this up for success?

Make the solution collaborative, not imposed. This way, when they don’t follow through, you’ve already established that change was a mutual decision.

Step 7: Secure Action and Follow Through

Get specific about what will be different and when you’ll check in again. This isn’t about punishing, it’s about showing that you’re both serious about making this change. Remember to set up the date and email actions immediately after your meeting.

What If the Conversation Goes Wrong?

Sometimes people respond defensively, or they seem to agree, but nothing changes.

Here are some quick strategies:

If they get defensive: “I can see this is bringing up some strong feelings. That wasn’t my intention. Should we take a break and come back to this?”
If nothing changes after the conversation: “We agreed on [specific action] and I’m noticing [specific behaviour] is still happening. Help me understand what’s getting in the way.”
If they say they don’t see the problem: “I hear that your experience is different from mine. Let me share some specific examples of what I’m observing.”

Check Your Energy

You can say all the right words, but if you’re frustrated, passive-aggressive, or resentful, it won’t land properly.

I use a simple check-in with myself: Am I coming from a place of genuine curiosity and care, or am I trying to prove a point?
The goal isn’t to be right, it’s to find a way forward that works for everyone.

What If You’re the One Apologising?

If you’re listening to this thinking, “Crikey, I think I might be stuck in this pattern myself,” there’s no shame. We’ve all been there.
I certainly have. I remember a period where I kept apologising to my team for being disorganised with briefings, but I wasn’t changing how I prepared for them. I was just hoping my good intentions would be enough.

Here’s what helped me:

I asked myself: Am I apologising because I feel guilty, or because I want to change something?
I looked at what was causing the problem (in my case, not blocking enough prep time in my diary)
I told my team what I was going to do differently, not just that I felt bad.

The most trusted leaders I know aren’t the ones who never make mistakes. They’re the ones who get honest about their patterns and do the work to change them.

The People Mentor

The Real Power of This Approach

When you start addressing patterns instead of just individual incidents, something shifts. People begin to trust that growth is possible. The energy in your team changes from resignation to optimism.

I worked with a team where two departments constantly clashed, followed by polite apologies that changed nothing. Once we started talking about the underlying issues, which were different working styles, unclear responsibilities, and competing priorities, everything began to improve.

It wasn’t magic. It was just finally having the real conversation instead of dancing around the symptoms.

More importantly for you as a leader, you regain your energy. Instead of spending your mental bandwidth on the same recurring dramas, you’re free to focus on growing your business, developing your people, and doing the work that lights you up.

A Personal Story

I’ll share something that still makes me cringe a bit. A few years ago, I was working with a client who kept pushing back on deadlines I’d set for a project. Each time, he’d apologise and promise to stick to the new dates.

After the third time, I was furious. I was complaining to my husband about how unprofessional this client was being. And my husband, bless him, said, “What’s your part in this pattern?”

That stopped me in my tracks. I realised I’d been setting deadlines based on what I thought the client wanted to hear, not what was realistic given his other commitments. I was so focused on being accommodating that I was setting us both up for failure.

We had a proper conversation about realistic timelines, and the problem disappeared. But it took me looking at my pattern before I could help shift his.

Three Questions to Ask Yourself Right Now

Before we finish, here’s a quick assessment you can do:

What’s the recurring apology you keep hearing in your workplace? (Or giving yourself?)
What’s this pattern costing you in time, energy, team morale, or business results?
What would need to be different for this cycle to break finally?

If you’re struggling to answer that third question, that’s okay. Sometimes we’re too close to the situation to see clearly. That’s where getting some outside perspective can be invaluable.

Moving Forward

The next time someone says sorry to you, whether it’s a team member, a colleague, or even your teenager, listen for what’s underneath it.

Are they taking responsibility, or just managing feelings? Is this a turning point, or just another reset? What conversation might need to happen to shift things?

And if you find yourself stuck in your apology loop, remember: feeling bad about something isn’t the same as changing it. The actual work happens in the space between the sorry and the different choice.

Final Thoughts

Apologies matter. They really do. But they’re the beginning of repair, not the end of it.

The People Mentor

The most powerful thing you can do as a leader or as a human being is help people move from feeling bad about patterns to changing them. It takes a bit of courage to have these conversations, but the relief on everyone’s faces when you finally address what’s going on?

Now that’s worth it.

And here’s what I’ve learned from 33 years of leadership and supporting managers through these exact challenges: when you master these conversations, everything else becomes easier.

Your team trusts you more.

Conflicts get resolved faster.

You sleep better at night.

And you finally have the mental space to focus on the big picture stuff that will grow your business.

So next time you hear those familiar words, “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again” – take a breath, tune into the pattern, and ask: “What would help make sure it doesn’t?”

That’s where the honest conversation begins.

Thanks for joining me today. If you want to dive deeper into these conversation skills, visit my YouTube channel where I share practical tools and real-world examples, or visit my website at thepeoplementor.co.uk for more resources on handling the conversations that matter.

Remember, you don’t have to handle the messy moments alone.
Until next time, take care of yourself.
This is The People Mentor, supporting you through the conversations that matter.